Being a mom

Isn't that the greatest picture? I have a love hate relationship with it though:( I love it because I always wanted family pictures in the snow and that was a great one. I also love it because it is the last picture I have with all 3 of my kids in it. I hate it for the same reason, I also hate it because in that very picture David was dying and I had no idea. How does a mother not know that her son is dying? I struggled with that one for a long time, let me tell you. It's only because of the grace of Jesus that I have learned to forgive myself for the guilt I felt with that question.

Back in January of 2006 our little community that we were living in at the time lost an 11 year old quite tragically. It hit all of us pretty hard, we knew the family quite well and it was like losing one of our own kids. I still remember hugging all 3 of my kids extra harder in the weeks that followed just holding them and being grateful that I had never experienced that kind of loss or pain. Little did I know that just 3 short years later I would be. I remember at the funeral of that little girl I was standing in the kitchen of the church helping with the reception and it dawned on me for the very first time that no matter how hard we try to protect our children from the dangers of the world, we can't really protect them. If it is their time to go to Heaven the Lord is going to take them, no matter how many times we remind them to wear their helmets, or how many times we check on them when they are babies, if it is their time it is their time.

When David was dying, I kept going back to that moment of realization. I was rest assured once again by my Lord that no matter what we did for David when he was growing up, or how hard we fought for his life once he was in the hospital, there was nothing in this sinful world that we could have done to save him or keep him here longer. I look back now and I looked back then thankful for that moment of realization that the Lord gave me that day at the funeral, in some ways it made losing him easier. Knowing that the Lord needed him more then we did, knowing that as a mother we do the best we can, but we can't protect them from every single thing out there in the world.

These thoughts came back to me again last week when tragedy struck our nation at Sandy Hook Elementary. All of those moms and dads sent their babies to school and some of them never came home. I really hope that they someday find the comfort that I did, I really hope that they know there was NOTHING they could have done to save their babies. It was their time to be with our Lord. I know some people hate that saying, some people would probably stare at me with venom and tell me it still doesn't make it any easier. I know this, I know this first hand. I do not know about losing a child tragically like that but I do know about losing a child- and honestly it doesn't matter how you lost them, it is still awful.

My heart breaks as a mother for those families, no mother should have to bury her own child. But I do hope someday they all come to the safe realization that they did the best they could with the resources that the Lord has given them. It doesn't matter if our gun rights are taken away, or if we find a way to somehow deal with the mentally ill, or if we even get to keep our gun rights. Children will still die everyday, mothers will still have to deal with this horrible loss. It is the way the Lord made our world, and there is nothing we can do about it. He gave us each free will and some people do evil with that free will. It has nothing to do with gun control or the mentally insane. It has to do with the fact that we are all HUMAN- the Lord knew all of this was going to happen. It breaks his heart more then ours. He knew our David would die, he knew those precious babies at that school would die, and so many others. But please rest in comfort knowing that there was nothing any of us could do- it is the way of the world.

I look forward to the day when I am reunited with not only my son but our precious Savior, because that is how he intended this time on earth to end- back with him.

Giving Thanks

It's so easy to say "Thank You", we are taught at a young age to do it and pretty soon and we (hopefully) say it without thinking. We say it when someone blesses our sneeze, we say it when someone holds the door open for us, we say it on all sorts of occasions but are we really stopping and giving thanks. This idea came to me last week when we were teaching the "Thanksgiving" theme at the preschool, we always have a question of the day in the morning and one morning the question was "What are you thankful for", I was stunned at the answers. Now don't get me wrong, we did get the few that we were looking for like - "Jesus", "Mom and Dad", "My family", and those like it. But they were very few, most of the children looked around the room lost as to what they were supposed to be thanking us for. Have we forgotten how to be thankful? More importantly have we forgotten how to teach the future generations how to be thankful? 

We are living in a generation where it is very easy to take for granted all that we have, and it is becoming very easy to teach our children that way of life as well. What I wonder is where was the shift change exactly? At what point did our society become a society where it was all about them and instead of helping others around them? Now many out there would say that is the exact opposite of the political platforms in play today, but I beg to differ. We have become a nation, become a society, where it is every man/woman for themselves, and it scares me. 

I don't want to live in a society like that, I don't want my children to live in a society like that, I want them to grow up being very thankful for what they have even if it is just a cardboard box to live in and a can of beans to eat for dinner. I want my children and their children to know that it is the RIGHT thing to do to give their shirts off their back to a stranger if they need to, because it is the right thing to do. When did we get so caught up with OURSELVES in this society that we can't take time in our day to sit with our children and explain to them what it means to be thankful for something. 

We are taking this world and this time for granted, it won't be here forever, read the book of Revelations, the things we are experiencing, the trials we are facing, they have all been predicted. Please as a mother, as a teacher, as a friend, and as a fellow sister in Christ I implore you to spend more time with your children, spend time with them teaching them about what it really means to live and love in this world. It is not about the latest toys, gadgets, technology or THINGS. It is about what we have on the inside, love, peace, gratitude, how we treat others, and so much more. Those are the things that will guarantee happiness, I assure you. 

OK off my soap box- I hope everyone had a fantastic Turkey Day- I know we did- ate too much of course- had too much fun with all the family- but best of all we were so THANKFUL to celebrate all the blessings that have been bestowed upon us.

Super Speller

I have been really excited for John this year and all that he is getting to do and experience his final year in Junior High, but the excitement went to a new level this past week when he won 2nd place in the Spelling Bee! He has done the spelling bee before and didn't do so well, and so when he got picked this time for it he had a real "I don't care" attitude, but when he won his confidence soared!! We are so proud of you Johnny!!

A Day in the City

My husband took me on the best ALL DAY DATE... gave the kids to mom for the day and off we went to San Francisco for the day. We had the best time! We went to museums, ate fantastic food, and just really enjoyed each other. It was such a great time out!!

At the Wax Museum

Jelly Fish at the Cal Academy of Science

HG Mania

Claire is officially obsessed with Hunger Games, anything that has to do with Hunger Games she has to be involved, she has even bought replicas of the tribute bags on Amazon. So it was very fitting that for her birthday this year she wanted a Hunger Game theme. It was really fun and everyone had a good time.

Claire and her good friend Larissa as Katniss and Primm

Nightlock berries of course!

We loved her cake!!

The party girls!

Boy Band Has Hit the House.....

Kirk Cameron, Corey Haim, New Kids on the Block, and who knows who else my friends and I were goo goo over at 11 and 12! I thought for sure it was more early teen years, but my mother assured me late last evening that it started in my 6th grade year. I can remember saving my money and going down to the local 5 and dime and buying the newest Teen Beat Magazine with my BFF and laying on her bed for hours reading the star gossip and oohing and aahhing over the bands and actors. We thought for sure that some day they would stumble into our little town and fall into love with us!!

Last year we had a mild encounter with this with the Justin Bieber craze, but she quickly fell out of it as quickly as she fell into it, but she was a whole year younger. But apparently she was just waiting to fall madly in love with the band "One Direction". How I felt about New Kids, is how my daughter feels about 1D. It is quite comical in so many ways, but so fun as well. These are all things I love about having a girl. Seeing her face light up and her jump up and down when she opened her "I love 1D" T shirt last night, screaming when she got their new album (did you all know they are now called albums again, not Cd's??), and grandma sealed the deal by giving Claire her very first "Teen Beat" like magazine that featured 1D, and has 6 pull out 1D posters- OMGOSH. She even has one of the posters above her bed!!!!!!

Last night after everyone was in bed, my helicopter mom side took over and I wondered if I was allowing this bit of "boy crazy" to take over too soon. But then I remembered (and called my mom) that I was the same age when I did this stuff, and it is too cute to watch. She isn't going to run off with any of them, she is having fun with it, and it is typical girl stuff. We have fun teasing her about it and she is such a good sport about it as well. This is part of what having a girl is all about, this is the part of the fun stuff, there is so much "non-fun" stuff in raising kids, but this part is fun. Watching them choose their own sense of style through art, clothes, music, and so much more.

One day it will all change, one day she will be going through her memory box like I once did and laugh at herself (and her mom for keeping those silly posters, thanks mom!), but it will bring back good memories for her. And maybe if she is lucky, like me, at 30 something her "boy band" will get back together for a reunion tour like mine did and she will FINALLY get to see them in concert, like I did!! But until then.... ONE DIRECTION has hit our house....

Do I feel Old or WHAT???

This past weekend I had the awesome opportunity to travel to my hometown of Tehachapi with my mom to visit friends, but the main purpose was really to see my brothers EX girlfriend get married. Yep, you read that right, his EX girlfriend. On the long 4 hour drive there my mom and I decided that even though they had broken up close to 3 years ago now, we hadn't broken up yet. We have know this young lady since she was 14 years old and in a lot of ways watched her grow up, and we have been very close to her family. So it was quite an honor to be included in her special day. For me it was an honor because she was the same age as our David, graduated the same year as our David, and I will never forget the constant joke he would make when she was dating my brother- "am I going to have to call her Aunt? cuz that is just going to be weird". I still get a little choked up as I write this not only remembering the memories of all those kids growing up, but of how beautiful she looked this past weekend, but then I think oh my gosh she is one of the last in David's group of friends to get married, when did I get this damn old???

I also got to meet Judah this weekend!! Little back story here- when David got stationed in San Diego in 2008 I was nervous because he was on his own for the first time, but my awesome friend Kelley DeHart came to my rescue. She called me and said her daughter Jessica and new husband were living in San Diego and to have David call them. Well he did, and a friendship like non other was born. They adopted him in a sense, and he practically moved in with them (I still apologize all the time for this because they WERE newlyweds!) He ate their food, slept on their couch, tried to train their dogs, and became a surrogate brother. I will always be grateful to them for the support and care giving they gave to our boy. About a year and half after he passed they had their first child, I have always been sad that David hasn't been around to meet him because I am quite sure he would have loved the role of "Uncle" and would have loved teaching Judah all sorts of things- naughty and nice. I finally got to meet the little man this weekend. I cried the instant I saw him, who am I kidding I am crying now. That little man touched my heart, I could tell that he has conversations with David, and I don't mean that in the weird sense, but I just know that he knows him. How cool is that.

So over the weekend I saw friends of my oldest child get married and have babies, I feel OLD!! LOL But it is fun:) Here and there I feel a little sad that he won't get to do that, but look how much fun I am having traveling and visiting all of his cohorts and seeing their families! It brings me such joy knowing that his spirit is living on, that life does go on. Sigh.. how happy this mommy is right now. Our boy had some really great awesome people in his life, and even though they are getting "big" and grown up and making me feel really old, I am loving watching them grow up, I am so glad they are all still a part of our lives.